Yesterday:
went to Rev Gen with Rachel and Kaitlyn (and Rachel's youth group). it was epic.
the Skillet performance in the end made me laugh, made me cry, and made me headbang so much my neck still aches.
Today:
I was doing summer homework when Chibi-chan and Tobi-kun called me. we went to the mall and hung out, then went to a restaurant by my house to eat dinner. After that, we went to Chibi-chan's house to watch Howl's Moving Castle, which both Tobi-kun and I love, and Chibi-chan hadn't seen.
at around the end of the movie, it was getting late, so it was decided that we had to go home. I didn't know the way to Tobi-kun's house, so Chibi-chan took him home and I just drove myself.
when I got home, I watched tv with my brother for a bit, then Chibi-chan called me.
right before she dropped Tobi-kun off at his house, he kissed her.
she wanted to tell me, especially how ironic it was seeing as she had gotten over her crush on him a while ago.
i have had a crush on him since the first time i met him.
she knew.
i don't want to infect her joy with my depression, but it hurts a lot more than i thought it would.
Life disappointments or depression quote
4 years ago
honey. you know i support you in everything you want, as long as it's not going to hurt you - this is one of the things that's going to hurt you. chibi-chan told me on the phone today that she hadn't really gotten over her crush. she was hurting over him for 6+ years. i hate to see you upset, but i also love chibi-chan, and i'm really happy for her. you know that... umm... Rover-kun? and i are working on finding you someone. there will be someone perfect for you out there. but tobi-kun and chibi-chan have been destined to marry since they met. you were the first person she thought to call, because she thought you would be happy for her, and she trusts you. i do NOT intend this as a "shame on you!" comment AT ALL. still, i think it might be a good idea to try to see things from chibi-chan's perspective. she's had her first kiss, and she finally has a boy that she's been crushing on for a third of her life. she wants nothing more than to share that happiness with us. i know you're upset and i want to hug you because i know what it's like to realize everyone around you is supporting someone else in YOUR dream. remember what i told you about backing off for someone in the case of purple shoe boy? i really do have a tiny idea of what you're going through. i love you, and i don't want to see you hurting. there is someone out there for you. and one day you two will have a story like tobi-kun and chibi-chan's. okay? <3 you
ReplyDeleteit's ok, I deserve the 'shame on you'. I deserve all the shame I can get. I'm a horrible friend and I know I should be happy for her, but I just can't. I know that I have no right to talk, especially to you, considering your situation with purple-shoe-boy. Chibi-chan's one of my BEST FRIENDS, and I'm too freaking selfish to be glad for her. I feel like such a horrible person, and yet I can't stop myself from liking him. I dearly want her to be happy, I want everyone to be happy, and I don't care if I have to be absolutely miserable to balance it, but when I hang out with Tobi-kun, or even talk to him, I just can't help but smile. He once called me at midnight, and we talked 'til three in the morning, just because I was depressed and he could tell through facebook. He was the only reason I smiled some days this summer, and I thought that finally, for once in my life, someone could maybe like me that way. I want Chibi-chan to be happy, and I'll do whatever I can to make it happen, but for once I wanted not to be second. Chibi-chan's prettier than me, she's smarter than me, she's nicer than me, she's funnier than me, she's more outgoing than me, she's a better singer than me, she puts up with more than me, she's always been better than me and she always will. And the one time I thought I could be first, the one time I thought that maybe I could get what I wanted, instead of her, she took it.
ReplyDeleteI sound like such a witch (and I wish I could use a stronger word here), because that's what I am. I don't deserve such amazing friends as it is, and still I selfishly always want more. I hate myself so much right now, and I don't see how anyone, let alone someone as amazing as you, can tolerate me.
I'm so sorry for being the way I am.
I'm sorry for being so selfish and wanting more than I have, even though I have more than I should.
pretty much, I'm sorry that I exist.
and I'm sorry that you're going to read this, and that I don't even have the will to delete it.
katherine... we need to talk. you NEED TO STOP. you are beautiful and amazing and what on earth do you mean you don't deserve to talk to me? i need you and you need me more than ever right now. you do deserve to exist. i've told you this before, but without you, i doubt i'd still be here, much less the person i am today. i love you. stop beating yourself up for feeling.
ReplyDeleteuhm yeah... Kat... as a birdkid we deal with a lot of crap... id just like to say. SHUT UP. YOU'RE FREAKIN AWESOME!!!! YOURE AMAZING AND PEOPLE LOVE YOU!!!!!!
ReplyDeleterachel's right. you'll find someone perfect for you, and you'll be happy with him(or her, not ruling out possibilities cuz you know how i roll) forever. AND i know you know that.
now knock it off. I DEMAND HAPPINESS!!! RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSS
kthxbai
Love
-Sonar..... and Ryan.... and the others that you're aware of inside my head. =]
Kat-chan, sorry I haven't read this until today (is that correct grammar? Oh well, doesn't matter). You are an awesome person, you need to stop comparing yourself to other people! I know there will be someone out there for you! Both you and Chibi-chan are some of my best friends. I don't have any experience with stuff like this--two friends liking the same person. But I know it must hurt. I'm really sorry that you are hurting like this, but I'm not sure Tobi-kun could be the best guy for you. I mean, I don't know him very well, but he doesn't seem to be very...stable...in his relationships. Hopefully it will be different with Chibi-chan because they really do seem to be a perfect match. But if it doesn't work out, I know that we'll all be there for her, including you because you are her friend and you are just an amazing person like that!!
ReplyDelete...I don't totally know where I'm going with this...
Its okay to be selfish sometimes. I'm not saying for you to try to steal him from her or anything, but it is okay for you to be sad. Don't think that your sadness doesn't matter. You're not a horrible person. You're human. Just don't let your sadness take over. You can be sad for yourself and happy for her at the same time. Be strong and you can move on from this. You are such a sweet person!
If you were really a "witch" you wouldn't feel bad about not being happy for Chibi-chan.
Please, just have more confidence in yourself! We all love you! I don't know what the BBM would be without our quirky, cute, British Kat-chan! Again, I say, you are smart, pretty, amazing, unique, and just generally awesome!! Luv you!! <3
(and I'm very sorry for the long reply that may or may not make much sense...there are good intentions, I promise...X3)
awww. love, it will be ok. ♥
ReplyDeleteand if she really was a witch, she would have magic powers. DUH =]