dear miss murder can i, dear miss murder can i- make beauty stay if i... take my life?

awesome song by AFI.

so.... nothing really interesting has happened lately, except me being told in the same day in different classes that i should either a) be a teacher or b) write a book.

the teacher thing was in global studies. we're learning about religion (which fascinates me), namely Hinduism. so the teacher does this prompt with 'what do you know about Hindusim?' and only three people raise their hands. i, being the former-mythology nut, raised my hand and basically described the entirety of the Hindu belief system, along with their major practices and traditions. after like three minutes of straight talking, i stopped, and in the silence that followed, someone said 'she should be a teacher!' yeah... that was kinda awkward... especially the notes that we then took on Hinduism weren't as detailed as my explanation...

the 'you should write a book' thing was in english class. we're finishing up our Scarlet Letter unit, and were talking about why the book was made into a movie so many times. so we brought up the 7 deadly sins (which i could name! thank you FMA!), and the fear that went with them. we started to talk about fear, and i brought up how the things we fear and hate in others are the things we hide from ourselves. when we see someone that has the courage to express something that we try with all our might to keep hidden, we hate them. when we see someone that does what we wish we could always do, we envy them, and that envy turns to hate. psychology is also one of my interests, so i was in a debate with one of the psych. students in our class, and then someone raised their hand. we were previously ignoring the teacher, so when she called on the student, the classroom went silent. then the girl said 'this is actually for Katherine. _____ and I just want you to know that we think you should write a book, and if you did, we'd buy it'.

so that was really nice...

there was a big snow threat, so Tech was cancelled today, so after lunch i got to go to study hall with RACHEL!!!! yay me!! we sat and talked for a while, and i got to go home at like noon today! 'twas quite pleasant...

oh, and i recently discovered a latent ability for kendo! well, it's just on the wii, but i beat my brother! which is an accomplishment.... his level's like a thousand, and mine was about 2. so that made me happy.

^_^ Kat

ok, so i'm deciding to just add onto this post instead of making another one. don't ask why. i don't really know myself...

we had a snow day today!!!!! it was nice... except i got up at normal-school time, went back to sleep, got up at 2-hour-delay time, and couldn't go back to sleep. so i zoned out and straightened my hair. then went back to sleep. at around noon, my mom decided to drag me out of bed to go skiing, so from like 1 to 3 or 4 i was skiing alone (she and i ski very different ways). which was ok, except i knew nearly every other person i saw. including my next-door-neighbor/now-ex-first-love. yeah... it's still awkward between us. especially since three of the four friends he was with i knew in elementary/middle school. so when i got home, i zoned out and napped in front of the fireplace. then i got too hot and did laundry, and now i'm here. posting and watching the olympics. oh wait, i forgot two things.

1- we're doing the Scarlet Letter in English, and the wrap-up for the unit is that we have to create, and write an essay on, our own scarlet letter, something that we're ashamed of (that's how our teacher explained it). basically, people cut a letter out of cardstock and color it in, and hang it around their neck for the day. i still have to decide on my letter... but i'm not going to make a crappy lanyard that i can take off whenever i want. i'm going to sew my letter on my shirt, make it just like Hester Prynne's. red thread on the required black shirt... lovely colors, aren't they? maybe i'll do an 'M'. for 'mischievous'. or for 'mask'. ...or maybe for 'myself'...

2- maybe the M should stand for 'masochist'. i'm practically asking to be miserable lately. today, i hacked into my brother's facebook account, and went to senpai's page (for some reason, my creeper of a brother friend-requested him and he accepted). his profile picture's of him and his girlfriend kissing (or i think it's supposed to be. from that particular angle it kinda looks like they're eating each other's faces...). so i, being the creeper i am, went to his photos, and then to her photos. there's so many pictures of them together... and they look so happy...

i'm happy for him. i am. i am. i am. i'm just hung up on it because... because... i don't know. why do i keep forcing those images of them into my mind, of him and her, of him happy... without me. do i need to remind myself of how worthless i really am? you'd think i would already know it... and you know, when i emailed senpai about how i was kinda mad at him (he ignored my emails for about a week and wouldn't talk to me at school), he immediately brought up his profile picture and protested that i knew that he had a girlfriend. do i seem that shallow? am i that transparent? i wasn't angry at him about that, which i quickly assured him. it was about an hour later, after we said our goodbyes, that i realized that i was angry about his profile picture. i was angry it wasn't me. i was angry at him for not seeing me as i see him. but mostly, i was angry at myself, for being angry at him. it's not his problem that i can't do anything right. it's not his problem that i think and act like i deserve better than i do. it's not his fault that i just can't be grateful for what i have. it's mine.

Rachel, why does nothing make me feel better? why does getting angry make me want to cry, and crying make me want to cry more? why does food make me sick, and sleep make me want to disappear? why is hurt the only thing that i can feel? why does praying make me feel more alone than ever? if God does exist, why doesn't he just let me go?

Rachel, why?