dear miss murder can i, dear miss murder can i- make beauty stay if i... take my life?

awesome song by AFI.

so.... nothing really interesting has happened lately, except me being told in the same day in different classes that i should either a) be a teacher or b) write a book.

the teacher thing was in global studies. we're learning about religion (which fascinates me), namely Hinduism. so the teacher does this prompt with 'what do you know about Hindusim?' and only three people raise their hands. i, being the former-mythology nut, raised my hand and basically described the entirety of the Hindu belief system, along with their major practices and traditions. after like three minutes of straight talking, i stopped, and in the silence that followed, someone said 'she should be a teacher!' yeah... that was kinda awkward... especially the notes that we then took on Hinduism weren't as detailed as my explanation...

the 'you should write a book' thing was in english class. we're finishing up our Scarlet Letter unit, and were talking about why the book was made into a movie so many times. so we brought up the 7 deadly sins (which i could name! thank you FMA!), and the fear that went with them. we started to talk about fear, and i brought up how the things we fear and hate in others are the things we hide from ourselves. when we see someone that has the courage to express something that we try with all our might to keep hidden, we hate them. when we see someone that does what we wish we could always do, we envy them, and that envy turns to hate. psychology is also one of my interests, so i was in a debate with one of the psych. students in our class, and then someone raised their hand. we were previously ignoring the teacher, so when she called on the student, the classroom went silent. then the girl said 'this is actually for Katherine. _____ and I just want you to know that we think you should write a book, and if you did, we'd buy it'.

so that was really nice...

there was a big snow threat, so Tech was cancelled today, so after lunch i got to go to study hall with RACHEL!!!! yay me!! we sat and talked for a while, and i got to go home at like noon today! 'twas quite pleasant...

oh, and i recently discovered a latent ability for kendo! well, it's just on the wii, but i beat my brother! which is an accomplishment.... his level's like a thousand, and mine was about 2. so that made me happy.

^_^ Kat

ok, so i'm deciding to just add onto this post instead of making another one. don't ask why. i don't really know myself...

we had a snow day today!!!!! it was nice... except i got up at normal-school time, went back to sleep, got up at 2-hour-delay time, and couldn't go back to sleep. so i zoned out and straightened my hair. then went back to sleep. at around noon, my mom decided to drag me out of bed to go skiing, so from like 1 to 3 or 4 i was skiing alone (she and i ski very different ways). which was ok, except i knew nearly every other person i saw. including my next-door-neighbor/now-ex-first-love. yeah... it's still awkward between us. especially since three of the four friends he was with i knew in elementary/middle school. so when i got home, i zoned out and napped in front of the fireplace. then i got too hot and did laundry, and now i'm here. posting and watching the olympics. oh wait, i forgot two things.

1- we're doing the Scarlet Letter in English, and the wrap-up for the unit is that we have to create, and write an essay on, our own scarlet letter, something that we're ashamed of (that's how our teacher explained it). basically, people cut a letter out of cardstock and color it in, and hang it around their neck for the day. i still have to decide on my letter... but i'm not going to make a crappy lanyard that i can take off whenever i want. i'm going to sew my letter on my shirt, make it just like Hester Prynne's. red thread on the required black shirt... lovely colors, aren't they? maybe i'll do an 'M'. for 'mischievous'. or for 'mask'. ...or maybe for 'myself'...

2- maybe the M should stand for 'masochist'. i'm practically asking to be miserable lately. today, i hacked into my brother's facebook account, and went to senpai's page (for some reason, my creeper of a brother friend-requested him and he accepted). his profile picture's of him and his girlfriend kissing (or i think it's supposed to be. from that particular angle it kinda looks like they're eating each other's faces...). so i, being the creeper i am, went to his photos, and then to her photos. there's so many pictures of them together... and they look so happy...

i'm happy for him. i am. i am. i am. i'm just hung up on it because... because... i don't know. why do i keep forcing those images of them into my mind, of him and her, of him happy... without me. do i need to remind myself of how worthless i really am? you'd think i would already know it... and you know, when i emailed senpai about how i was kinda mad at him (he ignored my emails for about a week and wouldn't talk to me at school), he immediately brought up his profile picture and protested that i knew that he had a girlfriend. do i seem that shallow? am i that transparent? i wasn't angry at him about that, which i quickly assured him. it was about an hour later, after we said our goodbyes, that i realized that i was angry about his profile picture. i was angry it wasn't me. i was angry at him for not seeing me as i see him. but mostly, i was angry at myself, for being angry at him. it's not his problem that i can't do anything right. it's not his problem that i think and act like i deserve better than i do. it's not his fault that i just can't be grateful for what i have. it's mine.

Rachel, why does nothing make me feel better? why does getting angry make me want to cry, and crying make me want to cry more? why does food make me sick, and sleep make me want to disappear? why is hurt the only thing that i can feel? why does praying make me feel more alone than ever? if God does exist, why doesn't he just let me go?

Rachel, why?

wow... i haven't posted in a while...

i think this is the longest i've ever gone without posting... well, the longest i've had the ability to post and decided not to...

so, nothing has really happened since i last posted... so i'll just give a summary of last night/ today. plus i don't remember that much from the past 6 days...

SO... the dance last night.

basic summary:

-officially, it's called the Winter Semiformal Dance

-i went over to Rachel's house beforehand to get ready

-Chibi-chan did too

-we arrived 'fashionably late' and after about ten minutes of awkwardly standing around i decided to psychologically artificially inebriate myself and start doing what is my interpretation of 'dancing'

-i dragged the others in and made them cut loose too.

DETAILS:

-tickets were 8 dollars

-i had ticket number 111

-Rachel wore a beautiful minty-lime green strapless dress. it ended just above the knee and had a tie/sash that tied in the back. and pretty silver flats! her hair was gorgeous as always.

-Chibi-chan wore a navy-blue dress that ended about an inch above the knee and had a white neckline and spaghetti straps. she also wore pointy-toe one-inch heels and stockings. her hair was half-up and half-down. i tried to do it but failed so she did it.

-Otaku-chan wore an AWESOME halter-top silvery blue-gray dress. it had beading on the top and she had low silver heels on. her hair was kinda swept-back from her face and really pretty!

-Manga-dealer-chan had a black-and-white patterned dress on with black shoes. her hair was kinda pulled-back with a wave in her bangs.

-i wore a dark green calf-length dress with the shoes that i wore to the homecoming dance (they're black suede with squared-off toes and fake buttons on them. they're also like four inches high and rather uncomfortable). Rachel did my hair all pretty and i actually wore MAKE-UP! it was just brown eyeshadow (Rachel's) and mascara (mine). Chibi-chan did it...

-Rachel's sister went too, and she looked so pretty! she basically looks like a manga character in real life and wore a black-and-white sparkly dress! she's also a little weird... but she's related to Rachel, so i guess that's normal...

-Rachel's family took pictures (two with me in them T.T) and then we left.

-Rachel, Chibi-chan and I met up with Otaku-chan and Manga-dealer-chan at the dance and dropped our stuff off at the coat-check (by the way Rachel, i still have your camera in my purse)

-we went into the cafeteria where the dance actually was, then hung around awkwardly for a few minutes. then, a friend that i know from Tech (we sit on the bus together) came and stole me away from the other 4. my friend is very... outgoing and can actually dance, so eventually i decided to do my attempt at dancing with everyone else.

-there was BREAK DANCING!!! like three guys (two freshmen and one junior) did ACTUAL BREAK DANCING MOVES to like three of the songs. it was epic...

-Otaku-chan and I found a new dance! well, Otaku-chan did it first, but i sped it up... so it was 99% Otaku-chan.

to do it, bring your closed fists about an inch from your chest with your elbows out, and push your fists about 5 or 6 inches away, bringing them back to the starting position.

repeat to the beat of the music.

congratulations! you're doing the Otaku-dance!

yeah... that was about it. the dance ended at 10, and Chibi-chan and I went back to Rachel's house to get our stuff. Chibi-chan's dad picked her up, and i stayed at Rachel's house until about 11 when her dad brought me home.

WAIT! i forgot. i got the weirdest compliment of my life last night. well, aside from Chibi-chan saying that i had slender ankles... but that's a different story.

weird compliment: someone told me that i had nice legs (this was before foot-pain, so i had my insane shoes on). she's in my english class. i smiled awkwardly and replied 'your dress is so pretty!'.

yeah... my life.

RIP Dick Francis...

Rachel to Kaitlyn: yes. i agree. i for one like to keep my lives seperate. school, work, friends, family. and alone. the only problem is, alone scares me. but sometimes, everything else scares me more...

Rachel (i already responded to your comment Kaitlyn, so yeah):

-wait, right about what? i'z comfused...

-? oh please rachel, do tell! (and ink-and-paper men do not count. neither do people in yours, my, or anyone else's head)

-stupid hormones... stupid society... STUPID STUPID!!!!!

-(i have no experience in this field so this is just speculation) but isn't it LESS complicated? i mean, you worry about someone else more, but you're freer with yourself at the same time...

-if i could meet a celebrity, any celebrity (or group of celebrities), i'd choose T.A.N.. then maybe that actor that played Percy Jackson (i'd bring you guys too of course!).

-i don't know about the 'closer to God' thing, but i guess it reminds me of how broken i really am.

...and how empty i feel inside...

-yes. i'll look for the post/comment for you!

Dick Francis died today... he was 89, and one of my favorite authors ever. A champion steeplechaser-turned-mystery-author, he wrote numerous books that all somehow connected to horses. Whether searching for a plane saboteur or investigating the death of a jockey, his characters are always human and aren't afraid to get a little dirty in the process of protecting themselves, their friends, and their livelihoods.

that said and done, i have some pathetic whining to get out of my system. then time for random thoughts.

Pathetic Whine:

ok, i know i'm not the only one to feel this way today. so why does it hurt so much? i guess that a few months ago, a few weeks ago even, i would've pictured this day so differently. so what did i do today that was so pathetic? i got up late only to be yelled at for my laziness, did laundry and helped my dad chop/stack wood for the woodstove, then went skiing and came home freezing to watch the Olympics. yes, that's it. no contact with friends, no nothing besides family. oh wait, i lied. saw my neighbor/ex-first love working in the parking lot at Spring Mount, and waved hi. he smiled and waved back. end non-family contact.

i know something's wrong with me. if it weren't, why would i feel like this? what is it about this date that brings out the hopelessness inside me? why do i feel so alone, today of all days? is it because i'm not pretty? because i'm not athletic? because my personality's annoying? because i have trust issues? because i have issues period? because i don't believe the facade i put up? is it because i'm not religious?

Rachel, you talk about how you imagine God's arms around you when you feel lonely. does it really work? because i tried last night when i was trying to go to sleep, and i didn't feel anything...

isn't it sad? even my own subconscious is telling me how pathetic i am...

Randomness:

-i found myself speaking japanese to myself today. then a little while later i heard myself speaking a language i've never heard before. i remember some of it, i'll look it up later. it was probably just random syllables though...

-Apollo Ono is awesome. he speed-skates on the short track and it's amazing to watch. i think i have a new sport i'd actually like to watch on tv! (besides tennis). actually, he's my favorite sports figure, besides Raphael Nadal (tennis player). Nadal's spanish, and he's neurotic and a great athlete at the same time!

-from my above comment and what is always taunting me from the back of my brain, i've deduced that i seem to have a liking for guys that can speak spanish. though Ono's half-Japanese and was born in washington...

-i just heard them playing Taylor Swift at the Olympic Pairs Skating competition. though 'You Belong With Me' is a great song, it has its place. and in my opinion, that place is not at the Olympics. but whatever.

-senpai emailed me earlier. he and sheena aren't going to the dance, they're 'just gonna stay in and enjoy each other's company' instead.

-my mom has decided that she wants me to become a multi-millionaire by the age of 18. she heard about some 15-year-old starting a spam company (computer spam, not processed-meat-substitute spam) that's now worth millions.

-i found/repeatedly watched the awesome video at top there. thanks again for sending that to me Otaku-chan!

-i really like the music that the Pairs skate to. especially this one pair, Jessica Dube and Bryce Davison, from Canada

-the pair that came on after the canadians is really amazing. the guy's outfit is a little weird, but they're really good. they're from China, something Pang and something Tong (i didn't get their first names). the music they skated to sounds like something from Spirited Away! and she's really pretty. he's... eh. but their skating is...wow.

-ooh, another chinese couple has come on! their music sounds like it's from a pirate movie! the costumes are still... eclectic, but their skating is good too.

on a completely different yet still connected note;

WANTED: tall, single guy. MUST hate Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana/whatever she's calling herself now, love books, music, animals, nerds, and being outside. PREFERABLY able to speak (some) spanish (or any other language), likes manga/anime, and/or watches the National Geographic/Science/Discovery Channel. HELPS to be tolerant of sarcastic comments, morbid fascinations with fire, explosives, and various weapons, and British accents/humor

the end. bye!

yes i am going to make this post EVEN LONGER!

i found the post that the person proposed to me on. it's titled 'Responses!' and was posted on Storm's Blog on September 24, 2008. if you're that interested/confused that someone would actually propose to someone like me.

ok, now bye for real! bye!

happiness+sadness=life. life-.9happiness+amazing friends=me.

lately i've been listening to a lot of Fall Out Boy music... and Creed. Creed's pretty awesome, but not as awesome as F.O.B. (just my humble personal opinion). and i found out that now any time i listen to By Your Side or Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North i cry. not just live, like i thought, but ANY TIME! yes i know i have problems...

and thanks rachel. that was a very long, very sweet comment. i just have some issues with it:

i am in no way selfless. it would hurt me to see senpai unhappy, just like any of my friends. and i don't like being hurt...

i don't like doubting you rachel, but i am extremely dubious of the opinion that there are 'plenty of boys that would be thrilled to have me'

the ... after singledom is well-placed. and well-used. in my opinion, only people who are gorgeous or who have been not-single can 'relish in singledom'

thank you. i love you (in a completely platonic way) too!

(if it matters,) did you see the thingy at the bottom of my page? i love runes... they're so fascinating, aren't they? you don't even have to believe them to appreciate them, they have so many different meanings...

kind of like words...

sorry to take your spot rachel...

but i kinda need to vent/whine.

so senpai has a girlfriend. her name is sheena pennock. and she may be 'dragging' him to the winter dance. oh, and senpai told rachel not to tell me he had a girlfriend. that is all i know.

this is what i hope:

i hope she's prettier than me (not hard)

i hope she's smarter than me

i hope she's kind, and sweet

i hope she thinks of and does little things that he'd love

i hope she has a great smile, and smiles at him often

i hope she has a great sense of humor, and makes him laugh

i hope she likes the same kind of books as him, and can recommend ones he'd like

i hope she can comfort him when he has a problem

i hope she can tell his emotions from his eyes, not his words

i hope she has the same taste in music as him, and can introduce him to new bands

i hope she's Christian, so they can relate to each other through a common faith

i hope she likes hugs, giving and getting them

i hope she knows how to ski, and can teach him

i hope she likes exercise, so they can do it together

and, most of all,

i hope she's grateful to have him.

because he deserves it...

OMZ KAT-CHAN'S BLOG!!!

Hi. This is Rachel. Squee!!

So, Kat signed into Google for something, which is connected to Blogger, so when we went to my homepage, IT WAS KAT-CHAN'S BLOG! YAY! So now I am posting to her blog, and it is FUNNN!!!

Her hair looks lovely. :) She always looks gorgeous though. :)

Bye now!

guess what the surprise was!

I DYED MY HAIR!!!

yeah, now my hair is like four shades darker. almost like a dark-chocolate color. it took soooo long though T.T i have so much hair, they had to use two applications' worth just for me! they used three different colors, one i can't remember, one called (yum) bavarian chocolate, and one called blueberry. it has a blue base, to counteract the golds in my normal hair color. i still can't believe it, every time i see my hair out of the corner of my eye, i'm confused for a second until i remember!

yeah, so today, school with my new hair was... interesting. i got a lot of shocked looks, and a lot of 'i never thought you would do that!'s well, i guess i expected that.

oh, and i found out today that i gained weight from last year. enough to significantly impact my waistline. my ski pants from last year don't fit... if i try to sit down, they hurt...

i... had a bit of a breakdown there. but that's to be expected. fortunately no one in my house heard, so they think i'm ok with it. so now my dad and i are going out tomorrow to buy me some bigger ski pants. why is it that whenever i get upset, my parents buy me something i don't really want or need?

oh, and i have even better news.

guess what? senpai got a girlfriend! that's who sheena is. and apparently they may be going to the winter semiformal together! isn't it great?

BLUEBERRY!!!

aww! Rachel, you're always good for a self-esteem boost.

and you'll still tell me about the other day, right? pwetty pwease?

oh, and i have a surprise for you! actually, it's not something that can be given, per se, but it will (hopefully) prompt a good reaction!

so today school was... ok. we had a sub in chemistry and finished our lab, english we had circle time and talked about Edgar Allen Poe and the Fall of the House of Usher. social studies we're studying Islam, but we had an IOC drill (that's Intruder On Campus for you out-of-the-loop peoples), so we sat in the dark for like ten minutes. math was boring, and senpai hasn't been coming out at 11:15 to see me, so i just went to tech. biotech was cool, we have an event called 'direct the Director' coming up, so we had to review what we're going to teach the Director to do. imma gonna teach him how to pour plates!

yeah, that's about it. oh, rachel. do you know who sheena pennock is? senpai just emailed me asking if i knew her. i don't.

see ya!

i wore a tie to school today. and had to teach 3 people how to tie one...

mood persists. oh, and some other symptoms:

hypersensitivity (especially to sound, and i have sensitive ears already! T.T)

persistent headaches

and insomnia

plus the emotional symptoms; irritation at trivial things, crying my eyes out whenever i think of certain things, classic depression symptoms, distancing myself from people, oh and paranoia. and claustrophobia.

i'd say i think i'm going insane... but everything i've ever read on the subject says that one shouldn't be aware of the process.

oh, rachel? what were you trying to tell me today? you said something about me 'not seeing' something, didn't you? will you email me?

ok, that's really all i have to say. i just had a driving lesson in my dad's truck. that thing's scary!

yeah... that's all i have. bye!

>.> <.< YAH!!!!! *slaps random person in back of head with fish*

Rachel: yes. and the reason i asked was because we were discussing a nickname for me (you know, like when i call him senpai), and he suggested 'smexy-chan'. so i was confused. it sounded like a compliment, so i denied it, but i wasn't sure...

so the last few days were... ok.

oh! i gave my english presentation today! apparently, i got an 'A', so that was good. though i think describing the Philly mafia as 'fun' scared a few of my classmates... oh well, i was gonna scare 'em anyway, might as well be sooner than later... so yeah. that's really the only thing that happened... besides senpai not answering my emails. but we still talk in person, so i'm guessing that he's just not checking his account.

oh well, that was basically it...

oh wait, something happened.

my parents came home from skiing/snowboarding, and are livid. not at my brother, oh no, he's blameless. at me. just because i was on the computer when they left and when they came back doesn't mean that i was on it for two hours straight. just because the fire died down doesn't mean that i didn't feed it. just because the dogs' water bowl is empty, doesn't mean i neglect them. and just because my brother didn't put his cup in the dishwasher, but on the countertop, doesn't mean that i am lazy. my mother decided i wasn't 'doing my part' for the family, and set up a new rule; once i get home from school, i get ten minutes to check my email, then straight to homework. then i have to do a 'chore', like cook dinner or wash dishes from dinner (which i usually end up cooking anyway), or do laundry (which i do) before i can go on the computer again or watch TV.

oh, and apparently i've been 'angry lately' according to my dad. but of course all of my issues are 'for attention', says my mother.

i need help... and sometimes i think i'm the only one that sees that. isn't the screw-up supposed to deny having a problem?