post-prom+Kaitlyn's post

herro everyone! yeah, i'm TIRED!!

so... post-prom. everyone went over to chibi-chan's house earlier (like, when real prom started), and she made us dress up. i wore a black and white dress over blue leggings and my boots. there were a lot of M&M's!!

so after everyone was there (me, Chibi-chan, Otaku-chan, Manga-dealer-chan, Fish-chan, and Loud-kun), we had tacos and watched Sherlock Holmes (which Loud-kun brought)

then, at around 10:30, Rachel arrived and we all went to the school (which is about 5 mins from chibi-chan's house) and went to post prom. well, all of us except chibi-chan (who forgot ID) and Rachel (who forgot her sign-in papers). they told us to go on, so we went into the new gym, which had three HUGE inflatable thingamajiggers. one was like a maze (where Loud-kun won against Fish-chan and Manga-dealer-chan won against me), one was like a rock wall (didn't go on that one), and one was like a spin off of dodgeball. it was like two corridors seperated by a mesh wall, and each was divided in half by another mesh wall. on one side of the wall, there was nothing, but on the other side there was a bag full of the kind of balls that are in a ball-pit, and also a padded belt attatched to a bungee cord. the point of the game was to try and hit the person on the bare side of the wall (i.e. me or MD-chan) with the balls on the other side, but the thrower (i.e. Loud-kun or Fish-chan) had to go against the pull of the bungee cord to get close enough to the holes in the mesh wall to throw accurately. i don't know about MD-chan, but for some reason, i hit Loud-kun more than he hit me! it was kinda cool.....

then we went upstairs and into the cafeteria, which was set up like a combo mock-casino, dining area, and karaoke-place all in one. with a lot of free space in the middle. anyway, after winning 5 bucks at a dice table, we signed up for the raffle. i put a few tickets in for various coupons, and divided the rest between a laptop and a nintendo DSi. then Kaitlyn and i went off for an adventure ourselves, we half-finished a checker game and then went down to hear the band that was playing. by then i was getting worried about Chibi-chan and Rachel not being there, so i went to wait for them and left a lot of nearing-hysterical messages. then we all... well, i don't really remember. but we went to get airbrush tattoos and i got two (the character for love on my left wrist, and the character for eternity on my right). i'm actually thinking about getting a real tattoo like that...... also, skeeball was involved, and both pina coladas and strawberry daquaris made with rita's water ice (with mini-umbrellas in them!) were as well. i went down alone after a while to listen to a band i knew, but they started playing music that wasn't my taste (Scandinavian industrial, to be exact), so i left and found the others, who were playing the word-song game. after a very short round of truth-or-dare and another of 'never have i ever', it was time for announcements like who won the raffles and stuff like that. Rachel won.... something.i don't really know what it was, but it had '$40.00' written on it!! and Fish-chan won a set of speakers and a flash drive (she gave me the flash drive and sold the speakers to Loud-kun), and Chibi-chan won the DSi! and all was good..... except Lilac and Rover were having a bit of a problem. well, more specifically, Lilac was having a bit of a problem with Rover completely ignoring her.

oh, and i don't remember exactly when, but these were also during post prom:

-completely failing at air-hockey against Loud-kun

-chibi-chan WINNING at karaoke

-somehow convincing Monotone-boy that i was alternately on shrooms or 'marajoowana' (he started it, not me)

-and having a completely EPIC game of air-hockey with Otaku-chan. she ended up winning!

so then we had to go, and i went back Chez Chibi-chan. i slept in their guest room until about 8 or nine. then stayed until my dad picked me up around 6

oh yeah, and i also took the SATs yesterday before post-prom. they..... weren't as bad as i thought they were gonna be. we'll see if that's a good or a bad thing when i get my scores...

Post for Kaitlyn:

this actually started out as a comment, so i'm gonna copy-paste that in first:

i know the feeling. not the God part, but the loneliness and fear and sadness and self-loathing and coldness. and i feel privileged to be able to see inside your head, even if just for a minute (i read fast, remember? X3).

i'm really glad that you're starting to feel better about yourself and your 'fate', and just want you to know that if you ever need to talk to anyone, just call me or randomly show up at my house, ok? i mean, you're gonna be able to drive soon, right? (hinthint).

or you can talk to Rachel. it was in her that i found peace, and comfort, and maybe belief that i'm not just fat and ugly and a terrible person and over-emotional and pitiful and contemptable and worthless.

just..... don't give up, ok?

and now for the elaboration...

look, i know i'm probably not the best person to give advice like this, but Kaitlyn, you are perfect. isn't there a Bible verse somewhere that says 'You saw me in my mother's womb, you made me in the secret place. (i can't remember this part...), for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.' Kaitlyn, if God really is as good as everyone believes He is, and if He really is as great as He's believed to be, there is a reason that you feel the way you do. Maybe it's a message, maybe it's to make you stronger, but there has to be a reason. If God created you, and made you to be perfect the way you are, then why do you feel bad about yourself? isn't that like telling an artist that his masterpiece is all wrong? look, i know you're not perfect, and that perfection is such an aspect of our daily life. "lose weight and you'll be happy" "i tried this product and it made my life better" "get perfects on your SATs or you'll never be able to accomplish anything in your future" "the way you are now isn't good enough, do this and you'll be better" all those voices are screaming and point fingers, yelling "imperfect!" "flawed!" "different!" "BAD!!". but there's one voice that's whispering so quietly that you have to strain to listen, saying "Perfection is fleeting, I am eternal. Be happy, and you're the most beautiful person in the world. Society isn't what made you, I am. and I love you, for you are my beloved, my individually perfect, my creation." Kaitlyn, isn't that what God says?

I know that sometimes His voice can get lost in the overwhelming tide of life, but it's still there, isn't it?

Kaitlyn, i am far from perfect. i don't even know if God exists, let alone if he loves me. i can't imagine anyone, anything loving someone as pitiful and as worthless as me. i've tried to take my life once before, and seriously considered it too many times to count. i used to cut, but i stopped. and now i did it again. i keep scratching at old scars until i bleed again. i try to drive people away, they're too precious to hurt, but i end up hurting myself in the process. i don't want people to care, because that's what hurts me most of all. i'm weak. i'm fat. i'm ugly. i'm cold. i'm cruel. i'm over-emotional. i'm unsavable. i'm pitiful. i'm worthless. i'm unlovable. and i don't hear God's voice. i hear Rachel's.

Kaitlyn, if God created the universe, and everything in it, why did He create you? He could have created anyone; another Leonardo DaVinci, another JRR Tolkein, another Shakespeare, anyone. but He created you instead.